I started this job not long ago, and I offer support to many people. The sections names are weird.  I have no clue what the name of my section is. I just know it’s a lot of unnecessary words that in no way describe the kind of work I do.  I keep saying “real estate” (which is 100% incorrect). 

So today we had some huge quarterly earnings meeting.  The top gun of allll of the departments was leading it, and he expects everyone to show up.  The boss’ boss answers to him. At previous jobs, I did not attend this kind of meeting. I had never met the people at the top before.

Of course, I woke up late, as I do every day. And in my rush to get ready I didn’t think about the meeting. So, even though I was told that we dress up for these meetings… I didn’t (but at least I got to work on time).

I was warned that I was going to have to introduce myself, since it was my first meeting. I tried to ignore the fact that I was underdressed, prepared an introduction and practiced it at lunch. 

I was careful not to include any details of what I do there, because I still don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing. No one is really telling me what to do. They just gave me a couple of end goals and turned me loose… I didn’t want to look clueless. 

I had to ride up in the elevator with a bunch of men wearing suits. At our floor they politely held the elevator door for me, but because I didn’t know where to go… They were waiting and smiling at me while I stood there for an uncomfortable amount of time. 

I tried to sit in the back, but my supervisor made me move up front to sit at the table with them. 

My introduction went well. I made people laugh. I was so relieved to get through it, I mentally checked out after that. 

Some audit team was giving a boring presentation about numbers, all kinds of numbers and even more numbers. I just looked down staring at the agenda, wondering when it would be over and thinking about how I forgot to bring my Home Chef order inside last night. I hoped it was still cold.

When the accountants finally finished, the head honcho announced we were going to go around the room and introduce ourselves. Since I had already done that, I assumed it didn’t apply to me. I didn’t pay attention to the information he listed to include in our introductions.  

When it got to me, I said “I don’t have to go, right?” 

He said “yes, of course.” 

I instantly regretted not paying attention to the instructions. Nor had I paid any attention to what the people before me included in their introductions. 

I rambled through my second introduction. Said I worked in the real estate department (which is an entirely different department). Then I starting nervously listing ALL the people I support. I even named someone I don’t work for. When I got to the only other female in our group, I went blank.

Like so blank I had soared way beyond an airhead moment and found myself in zero gravity.  

What was her name?!

She was sitting at another table directly across from me, and as she stared at me her eyes got wider. She had to TELL me what her name was. 

In my defense, she was out sick the week I started and had only asked me to do something for her once. Which was a fact my mouth decided to spit out as I started spiraling. But the words my mouth chose to say were, “Well, she hasn’t really given me any work lately.” 

Lately?! 

Also, OMG that sounded so snarky! 

“Caring” is one of our three core principles. They make a huge deal about the core principles here. Our bonuses are based on how well we show them in our day to day work. So everyone here is super nice, all the time. It’s cool, but also kind of weird.

Why couldn’t I just stop talking already! 

I finally gained control over my mouth and abruptly ended the disastrous intro. 

Then the head honcho said to me while motioning his hand,  “…aaaand you’ve been here almost two weeks, right?”  I COULDN’T EVEN ANSWER THAT QUESTION!!!

I heard a few chuckles at my table, and I know my face was glowing red. 

“Senior Paralegal” my ass.

The worst part about the entire thing is that she was the attorney who asked in my interview, “Are you any good at public speaking?” 

Since I was prepared for that interview, my reply was that I had no experience with it, but, with preparation, I was sure I could handle it.

(In my best talk show host voice:

Turns out… That was a lie!